An Imperfect Pastor
Anxiety can be a crushing thing. Whether it be anxiety over how your 2 year old might act in a restaurant, or worry concerning financial issues in your home, it can take control of us. Few, if any of us, escape that feeling of being in an emotional straight-jacket at times, when you can do nothing to change the situation or circumstances that you find yourself in.
To be honest, I am surprised that I am able to type right now because I find myself in that straight-jacket, unable to find resolution in an intensely critical area. The difficult thing is that sometimes, even when we cry out to God in desperation, He seems to be very far away. He is silent. How do we truly surrender things to God that have us by the throat? How do we cast ourselves on the provision of Christ in ways that both magnify the grace of God and resolve the inner tension that we struggle with.
I feel ashamed to admit this, but I don’t exactly know. If I really knew, I would be free from this nausea that is controlling my stomach right now. I know the answers that I give people when they come to me. I tell them about God’s perfect plan and that God “causes all things to work together for the good for those who love God and who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). And then I look to the words of Jesus in Matthew when He tells us not to worry about circumstantial things but rather to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and God will see to the other things (Matthew 6:25-34).
Knowing these things is simple. Being able to trust them with every fiber of our body so that we can have the peace of God concerning them, is something all together different. Right now, I know these things to be true, but I still want to throw up. My crisis is not resolved. I know that the deficiency is in me, and that God’s word is reliable. The problem is my faith. A man who Jesus healed, was asked by Jesus, “do you believe that I am able to heal you?” The man said, “I believe Lord, help my unbelief”. I am that man. I believe in the sense that I know that God can, but I am stuck in the throes of unbelief that God will.
Just bein’ real here. I know pastor’s aren’t supposed to have trouble like this.
Abraham is my new favorite person, because he teaches me so much about faith. A man who believed for 25 years that God would give him an heir well past his prime and way past Sarah’s child bearing years. Against the odds, he continued to believe. He had his hiccups in his faith-walk, but he hoped against hope that God would do what He had said. I need the faith of Abraham,….”Lord, help my unbelief”.
I just want to identify with some of you who may be going through something similar. Sorry I don’t have the magic elixir. I certainly wish I did. I would drink the whole bottle.
Comments
This is just AWESOME!! This is why Chris and I are at The Journey and why we love yall so much! You are real and you can and do relate with what all of us are going through! THANKS for your honesty! Tasha
Thanks for your honesty Jason – take comfort in the fact that you aren’t the only one out there with those exact same feelings (most will not be that honest).
I believe our lives here on earth are one huge test from God. This is seen throughout the Bible where God tests people’s character, faith, obedience, love etc. God is watching your response and reactions to problems, conflicts, successes and disappointments. We have no idea what God will test us on daily, but we can be sure of some. We know we’ll be tested by delayed promises, impossible problems, unanswered prayers and senseless tragedies.
Perhaps one of the most important tests is how we act when we can’t feel God. God sometimes retreats from us intentionally to test our faith. The Bible says a king named Hezekiah experienced this test: “God withdrew from Hezekiah in order to test him and see what was really in his heart”. This was done to prepare him for more responsibility.
We may not understand why the Lord tests us, but if we understood everything God does, what kind of God do we have?
The good news is that God wants us to pass these test of life. Every test we pass, God notices and makes rewards for us in heaven. James tells us, “Blessed are those who endure when they are tested. When they pass the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him”.
- paraphrased from A Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren
Perhaps these times you perceive as lapses of faith are gifts. Maybe God wants you to take little breaks from spreading the word in order that you may hear additional ones. Hope this helps the butterflies in the tummy a little.
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